The rub, the bother, if you will. This is the reason I’ve not yet begun a blog. Things happen all day long that I comment on, find fascinating, get angry with, shit all over. But then I sit down to write and can’t think of a single thing to say. Or a single thing that anyone else might find interesting. Maybe focusing on ONE subject makes for a better blog. Food, sex, relationships, shoes (yuck!) I’m not one of those shoe-obsessed girls. And how many more cupcake blogs can one read?
Perhaps I should start at the beginning and simply introduce whoever is out there to whoever I am. After all, how can you believe anything I say if you’ve no idea what kind of a person I am or where I come from?
The following are, I believe, important traits, attributes, facts, and choices that have culminated to create the being who sets forth writing this blog today. There are many things I am not—a good singer, Playboy material, a sky-diver, a salesperson, a sports fan.
But I am:
• a frustrated comedian
• lacking the confidence to give it a go
• working in a corporate job that depresses me daily
• a fat person (have been my whole life)
• a foodie (especially chocolate)
• the youngest of three, succeeded by a middle brother and eldest sister
• the daughter of a dead father
• estranged from my family
• a music and film fanatic
• intensely jealous
• a writer
• a voiceover artist
• desperate to find meaning in MY existence
• good at blowjobs
• wise in my friend selection and having fun with them
• smart enough not to repeat some negative patterns, but
• always self-destructive
This list is not comprehensive. You will have ideas of what I am, and indeed there are surely things I am that I know not of. Perhaps they will be revealed to me by you, the reader. Now then…
Have you had enough for one day? I don’t aim to address everything I am in one sitting. If you’re still reading, I’ll tell you that today I am loving a man I work with whom I’ll call M, for his solid words of wisdom when I asked in one of my self-pitying, childish rages: “Why am I not married with a house and kids? Why does no one want to marry me? What am I doing wrong?” To which he replied simply: That.
And although I know it already—I know that not being comfortable with who I am means I’ve no right to let someone into my life in an intimate way (or expect it)—coming from M it hit me hard and made even more sense.
He described it thusly:
The wife, the kids, my house…that’s just icing on an already beautiful cake. You are the beautiful cake…or the cake that has to become beautiful and happy and satisfied in every way BEFORE you get the icing.
For M I have a feeling of love that’s new to me. It’s more than friendship, less than lovers. I suppose it’s a love of the deepest respect and admiration. Because he speaks to me with selflessness, with no interest other than having my best interest at heart and wanting me to become who he knows I can be. This kind of person in my life is a new thing. A wonderful thing. I didn’t know people like this existed before.
So today, I am:
• thankful for the corporate job that depresses me daily because this is where I met M, one of the most whole human beings I’ve ever known.
I am: Also a softball player
